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Funmi Iyanda
Lagos, Nigeria
Funmi Iyanda is a multi award-winning producer and broadcast journalist. She is the CEO of Ignite Media and Executive Director of Creation Television
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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Rantings of the fanatic

Abeg make una no too vex o but I wan talk pidgin today and I wan talk football. For dem wey no sabi pidgin as dem no be Nigerian or West African, una pele o, you for try learn am as he be correct language. You may want to ask a friendly Nigerian (no we are not all 419ners) to help translate all this. For dem wey be Naija but dey vehemently (wetin be pidgin for dat abeg?) against spoken broken English, mo sori fun gbogbo yin lokan kan (l dey sorry for una one by one, wa sere Lagbaja!). If na because dem dey form say dem be "buha" (butter), make dem stay dere after all everibodi for world don know say too much butter na clogged arteries and heart disease dey follow am not to talk of indigestion wey dey cause pile wey fit be de reason wey dose "formers" dey always frown up and down like morning shit. Dem need to go toilet. No be so I go one yeye "ayecious" (aye, world people, i.e backstabbing pretencious, capish?) event for Lagos wey bi say wen MC tell dem say make dem do ikira, dem begin look like rice and beans even wen some neva pass Murtala or Azikiwe airport since ogun kijipa, abeg clear road for jagajaga jo!

For dose wey no like football, I dey suspect say dem be de type wey dey follow fowl have deep intellectual conversation for road. As per dem wey ask why football again, dem no see yesterday match? Abeg AFCON na de biggest fiesta on de continent now, if I no talk dat one I go talk Kenya and no be everyday I wan dey cry. Me I be former card carrying member of SWAN (Sports Writers Association of Nigerian) and veteran of 2 Olympic finals, 2 World cup finals and 2 African games, how I no go talk football?

Dat match yesterday na wah! Dose Super Eagles no go kill person, as dem no win any match so far, dem bin don reduce us to permutations. If de Ivorians fit beat Mali well well, if we score 3 goals, if we use yellow card advantage, if Drogba pity him broda for Chelsea Mikel Obi, if… na so we dey turn dice. Me I kak for chair dey do like I no too care if Benin beat us but na lie, I dey sweat and pray say make we just score goal. Even if we go commot make de disgrace no too much. Una kuku know as our matter be for Nija, we know say we be omo ake (yeye pickin) for many matters but we no fit help to dey hope say at least once in a while dat pickin head go turn small for beta direction. Na so me wit my friends dey sweat and swear through dat first half as our middlefield scatter and dat Yakubu wey "fidi jo momi re" (arse like his mama's) dey mess us up. As Odemwingie (fine boy no pimple) ran everywhere dey try hold it together na so dat small boy Uche (he be like say the boy know say scouts go dey der) self dey try.

By de end of dat barren 1st half we decide say time don reach make we call our ancestors, na him one of de giants go wear her prized new official Nija jersey wey she bin dey save for wen she go Ghana go see finals. I begin chant incantations, de muscle begin to speak in tongues and de returnee begin sing "he's a miracle working God". In fact he be like say I see baba outside sef dey turn tesibiu (prayer beads) as he takes swings from his kettle wey he dey take hide shine shine bobo (star beer).

Wen dat German no gree commot Yakubu come go bring Nsofor in, we wan piss for bodi. Nsofor, Nsofor kini (u get to say am like Ijebu people), no be dat boy we dey shake for goal mouth be dat? And den as tings dey fit turn around sometime for football, Mikel Obi head dat beta cross from Odemwingie in and my people if you hear de screams and see de dancing, why me l no hold camera? I for get beta material for you tube. Quick we check the oda match with Mali, dem don score second goal and before you go say fatai rolling dollar, even Yabuku, "I no fit carry yansh" come score goal and den Ivorians kuku ma help us wit dat final goal to nail Mali. Una no see as de German hold body like plank without smilling wen the coaching bench lift am up? Se dem no know say na German? Anyways me I no tink say we need to sack am but dat na talk for anoda day. If he last for here and we use am well well inside Nigeria he go soon be like Westerhof wey don dey look and sound like papa Ajasco.

Me I know say we no deserve am and as usual our people don begin talk yeye say na we God dey wit and carry chest for air, waka like rooster de way wey we dey take vex oda Africans. De tin be say sometimes we just dey nid dis kin high moments to lift our spirits, make una humour us. Meanwhile one of my crase friends don begin bet say we go beat Ghana on Sunday and den go on to win the tournament. I tell am say he go wound o but I don dey collect de money so na wich side you dey?

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

i dey for naija side o!!!

John said...

Naija player wan kill me bcos dem no play to make us happy. Thank God say Ivorians beat Mali, dey for don come back now. I hope say they go beat Ghana, and win the cup.

I belief say we go win am. AMIN!!!!!

ainet said...

I dey naija side o! I no fi shout. Nothing do us.

Tayo said...

Abeg, me I gbadun this post jare. Make Sunday come, make we play Ghana. Na then we go know wetin really dey. Till then, up Nigeria!

nike/so/rich said...

i dey naija side full time. So far i neva watch any naija match but this na the first one when i watch, and i one happy die when the match end. I no know say naijas plenty for my school oh, i go my school hub go watch the match, though plenty black people dey there but as all of them get or dey form britico accent i think say the naijas when come watch the match no plenty, even after the 1st half dem still dey form dey pretend say dem no too send the match meanwhile me and my friends just dey yab the super eagles after the 1st half. As Mikel score the 1st goal, come see as girls and boys when dey form britico accent start to shout in nigerian accent and some of them come start to speak pidgin sef, i surprise oh but i no too surprise sha cos i know say nigerians like to dey form too much, oyinbo man go come my country, he go speak to me with im oyinbo accent, he go leave my country with im oyinbo accent but my fellow nigerians go come oyinbo land and na for heathrow dem dey start to speak britico accent. I be nigerian, i dey proud of my pidgin english(my oyinbo friends dey even learn pidgin when we dey shy away from), i dey proud to be nigerian,i dey proud of my nigerian accent, , i dey proud say i be omo yoruba and yesterday i dey very proud of the super eagles.

ifGodb4me said...

i dey naija side

Iyaeto said...

a little bit to the left, a little bit to the right of the centre (ojoro cancel)

Anonymous said...

I dey ur side... Whish one be ur side?...lol

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

i watch dat match o, if u see as i do, i go one place like dat for VI pretend say i wan go work for dere, comot my laptop they work, dey use conrner eye watch the match, naija one side mali d other side, i jus tell myself say, if dem lose nothing do me i no go say nothing, if dem win sef i go pretend say i no care. i abuse Yakubu tire sey dem suppose retire d guy,5 mins later na him d guy score. i chop my words na. Na God do am, He is a mircale working God no?

sisi mi, i don call u tired na. have mercy on a sister. lol
my pidgin needs working on o!!!!

Asabe said...

I dey nija side always but the way them de take play their football these days if person wai get any kind heart problem wan watch nija match the person go need to de near medical attention or even watch the match inside hospital in case of incasity.

Since wai this match start i no wetin my BP de be wan i start and before the game end wetin e de be dat one na tori for anoda day.

God go help us (followers of nija match) make them no take hypertention kill us for where we de watch game.

But i say come Sunday FLY EAGLES FLY!!! abi una don see where eagle de waka for ground?.

Anonymous said...

On 'Forming': The other day I called my li'l cousin whose based in Nig. I was like "sisi kekere ewo lo se o". She then started up in English, british/american(couldn't tell) accent and all. What a nutter!!

On football: Mey sef i first do like say i no care weda niga win or no win. I dey watch am for Eurosport, I no know say na repeat i dey watch. Na him i come go internet come see Naija 2-0 Benin. I just crase finish begin dey shout dey dance say we don win. My husband come say ah ah you dey OK? say dem still dey first-half with 0-0. I come tell am say "Apparently the match ended a couple of hours ago". What a nutter!!

NIGERIA POLITRICKS said...

Funmi, dis ur yarnings na fiya o!
naija first disappoint sha, but we don come back like ghost weh im rise up from d dead...dis sunday match na do or die; ghana go see pepper, insha Allah!!!

Uzo said...

Idey for the side of Naija....Went through this with a lot of difficulty..I guess its easier to hear pidgin nd get it than it is to read it...

Honestly though - God must love us cos there really is no other explanation....

Funmi Iyanda said...

@all, make l no lie l wan make we win o but l dey fear to bet make l no lose de moni wey l wan take go watch final for accra.

@36, iya mi, no vex o but me self l don call you back tire, see dis winch network wahala, e b like say l wan go Lome tomorrow soo make we try again on sunday ok?

ababoypart2 said...

My pidgin no good , so i dey for naija side o!!!

Mr.Fineboy said...

Naija for life. This your post too sweet o! I dey inside house with my papa drivers and steward dey watch am. Come hear commentary! Those guys sabi ball no be small! When we score, see as driver and houseboy wey hate each other before come dey hug! Kai, me sef I join dem dey hug o. LOL@Westerhof wey don dey look and talk like Papa Ajasco!!
Meanwhile i dey fear becuase Odemwinge no go play the next match, wahala!
PS> WHY those coaching staff dey carry that yeye Vogts?

2ndCorin5:17 said...

make i first start by saying.. dis ur post na correct post on all counts...

Mehn.. na only God say we still dey inside that match because my hope finish from the Ivory Coast match wey we loose... Anyways, SERIOUS PRESSURE dey mehn.. we must2 win Ghana oh!!
We must!

Imagine say some YEYE ABSOLUTE IGNORAMUS Ghana people wey dey my school come put some stewpid pictures on facebook... as I dey tink am now, my body dey hot!

They talk say na play wey dem dey play.. make i hexplain d pichure.

U sabi all those "keep the country tidy" pictures wey dem they put on bottles and plastics of food wraps? na him these odes paint ghana flag as the person wey dey throway something, come paint NIGERIAN FLAG as the thing wey them dey throway hinside dustbin!

IMAGINE SUCSH A RUBBISH!!!

I pray make Nigeria win that match! because that insult and defamation is just too much for me to handle.. vex wan carry me go... make i stop now mehn...

Be safe

nike/so/rich said...

Sunday match na yahoozee all the way mehn.
@ funmi i go advice you make you no bet oh, i no talk say we no go win oh cos am very optimistic right about now but you know how naija thing dey be. Another suggestion na say u fit bet an amount when no go too pain you, if by mistake we lose.

shola pacheco said...

Egbon funmi,abeg i gbadun dis yarnings ho.i get 2 reverse check wether na yah blog i dey.i hope we win ho

Nadia Ahmed said...

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay for naija.

Sherri said...

u wan kill pesin?lol
me i wan be ur bookie o

nike/so/rich said...

kai, dem win us oh. Imagine that

femolala said...

Vehemently for pidgin? I go hala my wafi inlaws for dat one. Our eagles no get plan. Isn't it obvious? Sorry, e no dey obvious? Wait, what's pidgin for obvious..... They just wan kill person with hypertension. No tell anybody o, but i happy well well when ghana fire us 2 - 1. Second base jare.