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Funmi Iyanda
Lagos, Nigeria
Funmi Iyanda is a multi award-winning producer and broadcast journalist. She is the CEO of Ignite Media and Executive Director of Creation Television
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Friday, November 16, 2007

Happily ever after

Oh by the way, I forgot to tell you, the speaker is married. It took all of 1 week but a wife has been found, sealed and delivered. Chikena! All is well that ends well.

Now to a really funny story, only I am not sure who should be laughing. Most of it happened on phone. Let’s ets all her Biola, she is a friend’s friend.
Biola: Hi Funmi, how now? I’m just calling to let you know that I am getting married next month o, so you must buy your aso ebi.
FI: HEY, congratulations, so you and Mike (not his real name) finally settled your differences
(Last month, I had been called in to counsel and hold the hankie in the latest episode of “Mike has started again oh” beating episode. They had been going out for two turbulent years).
Biola: Mike ke! That one na history jare praise God.
FI: You finally called it quits and you have found someone else and is ready to marry so fast? Good girl! Who is the lucky so and so!
Biola: It’s my first boyfriend from secondary school.
FI: Oh! You guys met again? How nice.
Biola: Met again? l have always seen him on the side now, l go to him for money when I’m broke, we have sex occasionally, you know, that kind of thing.
FI, So what has changed now?
Biola: The thing is, he has a problem with women; they won’t leave him alone so he can’t commit to one woman. His family is worried so they said he should marry me since I was his first girlfriend and they like me and I am Yoruba like him.
FI: But what does he want? What did he say?
Bola. He agrees now, he is not fooling me about the other women, he cant help that but he agrees that at least we have known each other since we were young especially when he didn’t have money so he choose me because yes his mum and family like me and he is ready to settle down now.
FI: If that is his story, what is yours? Why are you marrying him
Biola: (Deapan) Because I love him.

At this point, I meekly ordered my aso ebi and dutifully attended the wedding, the bride wore white. They separated 3 years later, his mother didn’t like her “barrenness”, he became violent and abusive, and she found religion. The last time I visited her; she had a curious book on her side table titled When God When?

27 comments:

"Secrets and Lies" - the Movie said...

That is tragic.

Nonesuch said...

That story is so familiar.We see it everyday in our 'sisters' but if you talked too much then she will say you are 'jealous' ( of what? I wonder). We have alot to do o as mothers in whatewver form. We need to nuture and help raise strong girls oand men too cos when the girls will need strong men by their sides.

Anonymous said...

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! i LOVE this entry! *sigh* you're so delightful :)

NIGERIA POLITRICKS said...

sounds like breaking news to me:
Bankole silenced critics in one week - he got himself a wife and a discharge certificate.
Now Funmi, the way you narrated Biola's story got me in stitches. When God When? tew funny!

mystoriesmytestimonies said...

LOL...
U just made my day with this story..
'when God when'...
life...people...we are funny...
enjoy ur weekend....

Anonymous said...

oh lawd!! this is so fuuuuny,lol...a mo ye...the logic of this 'biola' is impressive...
currently in the process of ha-ing my aso-ebi and wondering why we do this to ourselves....very funny write-up

shola pacheco said...

oga ho!this post really got me thinking,what is the true essence of marriage!!! all them mother-in-law likes me just dont do it,its a real sad story i must say

Iyabeji said...

na so oh!
happens to the best of us.
God will help us!!

Uche said...

LMAO!!!! Is this real??? I mean i ROFL when she said she always had him on the side, i said "Go ahead gurl with ya bad sef" but then on how he ended up marrying her, a bit pathetic if u ask me, but hei, that was her choice....

As for the book, now that is pure comedy!! LOL!!

cheetarah said...

Lol, Lol,Lol! Tis a case of who shd be laffimg.. it killed me when she said she loved him,but hmm na woman be that o! God help us.
Minwhile on a totally random tanget I tot of u on fri when I bot a pair of high high green wedges- when u asked munachi 'is ur mom a lover of great shoes?',lol! When next ur in JD holler make I take u go my secret coror where great shoes dwell in great prices!(wink)

joicee said...

You couldn't have chosen a better title, Funmi....Aaaargh.. the irony of it all

Loving your blog as always

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

Bola's story I am sure can be transformed into something for the V monologues....

Plus, I am not sure i understand. You mean, the speaker was pressured into getting married or he already had one woman hanging out on the side as a fall back choice? if the issue was the first one, I must say that I am afraid our country has no hope for a long time to come if the only issue the senate can be bothered with is the marital status of one man when all of them are sleeping around and increasing the HIV and STD contracted statistic by the thousands....

Brast said...

Like she didnt that one coming

Brast said...

These are the kind of stories that give you instant and consistent orgasms, ey? The Failed marriages of others. Please dont even dream of clapping your menoposal twin structures against our dear house rep, he aint into Olga looking zombiee-type. Shameless prick.

Ladybrille said...

I am at a loss for words. . . on this one. Na serious na wa!

Anonymous said...

Hey Funmi,

Love that little story. Nice one.

Ayo Shonaiya
London, UK

bhookey said...

chai

wienna said...

noooooo....it can't be. Dang, dang, dang....and here i was already joined d gym, determined to lose some weight, so i can fit in d future aso-ebi dat you're going to send us. I'm sure his status before got all d single ladies back home and abroad worked up already including me. It's not faaaaaaaaaaaaair.

MissO said...

Ok that was a fun read... Well the way the story was going i knew it was either going to lead to that something that wasn't good... Na wah Miss Funmi hope u are ready for enough visits in xmas.... So pls try and get ready....

Comrade said...

1+1 is 2, 2+2 is 4, but when you want to divide XYZ by 155, you want to scatter your head, Scatter scatter, scatter your head o. As Prophet Femi Kuti said, She went to scatter her head

abie said...

Hi Funmi, wat happened to u? Long time.Wat can I say? The speaker is learning the ways of Nigerian politics very fast. Congratulations 2 him.

laspapi said...

Funmilola, this is a horror story. She was his first girlfriend and is Yoruba like him so they married....? I'm still dumb-struck.

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

Lol!! this story ehn, o ga ju!! as in, what?? didnt she see that one coming?? abeg. she berra be reading that 'when God when' properly if its is foolish decisions like that that she takes, i mean who marries cos of 'mother in law liking u' this marriage this sef. i was just talking to a friend today about some girls aso ebi (u know na d season be this) i bought about 2 yrs ago it cost 45k!!! and their marraige didnt last 6mths, about 2 mths she calls me to say shes getting married again this time aso ebi na 25k, i was conveniently out of town for her wedding, she has refused to speak to me, good riddance if u ask me, but she says im not happy for her and only jealous cos my wedding got cancelled, na she sabi, i give her a yr max before this one to ends (i no dey sweat for am o)

ps: brast?? ur comment odikwa very wonky o, what r u on about??

Funmi Iyanda said...

@all, l sorry say l no quick come o.

Laspapi, sebi you ma know say this story na small thing beside all the one wey we dey receive everyday. the thing wey dey pain me be say, he no need to be like so because if people marry for the right reasons dem fit dey veri happy but the kin story wey l dey always hear dey fear me and the unhappiness wey l dey get to deal with dey tear my heart out.

logosian said...

Some married people are desperately unhappy, some are quietly satisfied, a few are delirious. Some people marry for the wrong reasons, but what are the "right" reasons to bind yourself to someone else ostensibly for life? The whole marriage thing is a Russian roulette. We just do it, and hope for the best. The aso ebi thing is becoming such a tyranny sha!

Sherri said...

our new speaker is a conformist?
oh well, i was wishfully hoping he was idealistic and fit for a fight for the good.

as for biola,
what a crackpot!
i can picture the likes of her keeping her neigbors up at night with her loud prayers binding and casting out all manners of demons..

Favoured Girl said...

The story about Biola would be funny if it wasn't so sad. What were her reasons for getting married? She knew he didn't love her and he had infidelity issues, but she went ahead and married him anyway because his family like her and they are from the same tribe. How can someone be so foolish and ignorant of what the word MARRIAGE means? Sadly there are many more people like her out there, contributing to the high divorce rate in our society. I hope she has learnt a lesson from this failed marriage.