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Funmi Iyanda
Lagos, Nigeria
Funmi Iyanda is a multi award-winning producer and broadcast journalist. She is the CEO of Ignite Media and Executive Director of Creation Television
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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

VALENTINE AND THE BREAD

I am sitting here all alone laughing so hard my sides hurt; l am reading some of the articles l wrote in my twenties and suddenly it hits me. I have become one the bitter twisted old women l used to look at with complete disdain and making a mental tufiakwa (that’s a unique tongue sucking, finger clicking, eyeball rolling, body jerking expression of never) resolved never to become! Its official l am a jaded, frustrated old bitch, albeit of who still looks good in short baby doll dresses (l think). A classic 1661 that is age 16 from the back and 61 full face. It my own fault really, l was born old in my head and at 35 l feel like I’ve been alive for 75 in my head. So how did this happen without my knowledge?

It all started with my darned homeopath who in treating my PMS induced depression suggests l think back to the happiest times of my life, no prize for guessing they were also the years l was most blindingly in love. Then I’m reading London Time’s Sunday health supplement and these riveting article on the chemistry and science of love. Apparently, there are particular hormones responsible for lust, romance and attachment, which can occur simultaneously (i.e. love) or more familiarly, in singles. Just then one of my wise older friend calls and mid discussion recites one of her pearls of wisdom “l don’t know how you people go for months without a man, half bread is better than pufpuf (fried flour pastry)’. For once l pressed her to explain what she means and she says, “Women are always looking for some non-existent ideal, some whole bread. It does not exist, if it does, it is very rare and one must not atrophy or develop cobwebs down under waiting for it. Just make sure you don’t eat some damned pufpuf, which would be some mean, bad, abusive motherfucker. Settle for the half bread, just be sure you know yourself enough to determine the kind of half bread you’ll eat, whether sourdough, rye, whole-wheat, multigrain or good old Agege Bread but don’t do no bread, that is just plain depressing”.

When accused of having no sexual ambiguity recently, a lady l know quipped, I’m not ambiguous l am just knowing, l know where you are going before you open your mouth. Which is a typical old bitch retort, true to life but no one finds true love, lust, romance or attachment by being knowing. Unfortunately true lust, romance and attachment is often attached to happiness, which has been linked to longevity and health. Therefore in a quest for health, longevity, l sought out my less knowing more lovable (lustable) self. l read these two articles written when l was 27 and 28 consecutively but in quick reversal to my old bitch self l find that this article written when l was 29 might be the truth about happiness. Hang on, which would mean l became an old bitch at 29? l can hear you sniggering in youthful derision but know this, it is true that we all do become our mothers, l give you another 10 years and you’ll see what l mean.

11 comments:

Pilgrimage to Self said...

Boy do i know what you mean about turning into our mothers!! In my teens and early twenties I swore I would never turn into her, but now, at 37, I have resigned myself to an inescapable fate!

Vera Ezimora said...

Gosh Funmie. I dunno if I should laugh or sympathize with you. Okay fine, I'm laughing. If it makes you feel any better... or worse even, I consider myself very old already. I guess when I turn a yr older, I would wish I were my current age. That's the routine.

boab said...

i like you at 29 :) less whimsical and more realistic. very introspective...if the prospect of your own company is sufficient, you have stumbled on what it means to live even with less than you'd ordinarily have hoped for...

i can see how this makes me cynical at 20, haha. oh well, it was bound to happen, wasn't it?

carpe diem :)

Dammie said...

Lmao, this is hilarious!!....Some of us are prolly reading this with complete disdain and making a mental tufiakwa (that’s a unique tongue sucking, finger clicking, eyeball rolling, body jerking expression of never)" Just as YOU did, and there you are now - a "bitter twisted lady" HUH?!>..This isn't looking good for us!!

I actually read an article {I was actually 18 - I'm wondering y I was even reading it} Anyhoo, what I got from it is that, "scientifically" the feeling of 'LOVE" can last for just ONE YEAR!!...So really ppl that happen to still be in 'happy relationships' after a year are not really in'love' but have become comfortable with each other. I found it very interesting and it has stuck with me ever since!!...

LoL, this post was hilarious!!..OHHH GODD, I don't want to be an old bitter woman oooo, I'd rather be the crazy old lady with a cat...

Uche said...

LOL!!! I have that words before, about half bread....yeah, but it wasn't exactly in the terms of bread. But i can nver understand why we shld settle for half? If Half doesn't make us happy why settle? I mean, it's lovely when i get an expensive shoe for half the price, then i'm totally psyched but when it comes to my life time partner, why shld i settle for half? God never intended for me to have half, He said i will have a WHOLE man, so i'll wait for my WHOLE man, not half.
And funny enough, i UNDERSTOOD where u r coming from, in the article you wrote at 29. I loved it!!
Hope u made the best out of this over-commercialized day called Valentine!!!!

LondonNaijaBabe said...

First i would love to say i love your blog, the way you write everything you are actually a positive Nigerian female Role model to me and i respect that.. Ok enough of the mushy stuff...lol I feel you i am 27 and i feel like i'm going on 4o in my mind, alot of books i read when i was younger about twenty something women and alot of examples around in the form of Aunts and family friends. I used to tut and make mental notes to self never ever to be like that.... i dont think i'm like that per say but i have totally changed things i used to do or really dig and be into now when my girls are doing the same i actually dont dig that anymore and think to myself wont they grow up. I just see myself turning into one kind madam know it all, you wont catch me doing that yada yada yada. Call it growing up call it maturity but bwoy have i changed and comfortable with it, i guess i'm an old soul... Do you get what i mean? After all my ranting...lol just that this post was actually heart felt. Anyhoo you do look fantastic in a short babydoll dress or anything for that matter..

Daddy's Girl said...

Love this post, so funny and real. Yes, we do get really jaded with time. But it's all good though - as long as we retain a thin sliver of youthful optimism we'll be ok.

mack said...

lol at 1661. Never heard'a that. I just love the bluntness of the post.

They say the female sex-drive is at its prime at mid-life; it's kind'a wierd yours is taking a plunge. You need therapy... (don't you think?).

On the feeling old, well said. I feel old too. I feel 31(to be precise) in my head.

This is just hilarious: "half bread is better than puf-puf.."

ABENI said...

Why am I so in love with you and what you write? So much common sense packed into one weblog....

Dotun said...

Your friend's 'half-bread' analysis sounds true, and it might worth considering the fact that love and relationship works better on one important factor: commitment. Commitment to work at eachother's differences, forgive and improve. When that is put into condideration,then we will all know the we are all 'half-bread' with the potential to become a wholemeal, when placed in a conducive condition of love and tolerance. Having said that, I do no deny that there are some 'puff puff' on both side of the aisle who deserve no relationship until they matured and ready enough for it.

Kiibaati said...

Becoming you mother is still safe.Imagine me becoming my father...