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Funmi Iyanda
Lagos, Nigeria
Funmi Iyanda is a multi award-winning producer and broadcast journalist. She is the CEO of Ignite Media and Executive Director of Creation Television
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Monday, October 09, 2006

SAY NO EVIL

I once went to visit this newly married friend of mine so as to meet her husband for the first time. I had last seen her a month prior to that time with her boyfriend but in the intervening period she had met a new man dumped the old and married the new. Naturally, l was curious to see whom this wonder man was who had swept my friend off her feet (and her mind perhaps). I met him in their new home, a genial man, appeared normal enough and was apparently besotted with my friend. For me that was end of story and they lived happily ever after. A few weeks later, she invited myself and another girlfriend to stay the weekend in her palatial home with her husband to celebrate her wedding since the hurried ceremony had meant none of us were there to witness it.

The weekend started well, we hung out and had loads of laughs, food and champagne. We retire to bed, my friend with her husband, and myself and our other friend in a suite in another wing of the house. Things got weird when in the middle of the night Mr. new husband came to tap me awake saying my friend, his wife needed me for some female problem. I left my other friend in bed, hurried into my overcoat and followed him. Once of ear shot of my sleeping friend in a corner in this maze of a house, the man grabs me and tries to kiss and grope me. I was initially shocked into utter silence and stillness until this creature (hardly able to reach my shoulder) unleashed his pathetic looking manhood begging me to touch it saying he would give me anything if l did. At that moment, I snapped to attention and kneed him into lucidity. I firmly told him to stop or I would scream the house awake but he kept begging, asking for just one kiss till l shoved him away and walked back to my room.


In the morning, this man acted like nothing was amiss kissing his wife and joking with us. I decided that I must have hallucinated the events of the night and threw myself into enjoying the weekend until l realized that every second he catches me alone, this man would try to kiss, hug or grope me, all efforts to stop him save physical assault failed as he claimed he was in love with me and would have married me had he met me first. Then he tried to persuade me to date him claiming that this would give me so much power over him as l could easily ruin his marriage by letting the cat out of the bag. Eventually I told him off and cut the weekend short claming some family emergency.

As we drove away, I told my other friend what had transpired and to my utter shock, she had a similar story. Apparently, Mr. loose pants new hubby had been trying to get both of us into bed.
That of course did not constitute a problem for us for in our sojourn so far on mother earth we had come across some impressively insane declarations and acts of utter desperation from men in an effort to bed one. It is not a measure of how attractive the woman is but of our itchy, the man’s pants are at that point in time.


The real predicament was, do we tell her? My girlfriend thought we should but I cautioned her having grown up to the wisdom in Ebenezer Obeys’ song telling one to stay out of man woman matter. Seeing how craft this man was he would probably claim that we came on to him and you can bet she would believe him.

That of course is my motto; see no evil and tell no evil except of course if one of the parties concerned is under aged or being sexually exploited. When it is two consenting adults, I would never say a word.
Eventually this marriage did break up as it was bound to and then l told my friend what had transpired years before. She got upset and blamed me for not telling her, as she would have left him earlier. That of course is self-delusionary as I told her, for at that moment I would have been branded the home wrecker. My belief is that deep down anyone who is being cheated on knows it and stays in denial until such a person is ready to face up to the problem and deal with it. The point at which this denial stops is entirely in the hands of the wronged party and hardly ever corresponds to the period of aided discovery by reportage; the talebearer is oft labeled the evil one.

It happened again recently that a girlfriend got upset that I did not report her boyfriend’s other relationship to her until she found out from other people. I told her that it was my principle not to get involved in such situations lease I be put in the middle and have the blame heaped on me besides I get no gratification from other people’s pain. What if the relationship is not what it appears to be or it blows over before it starts? I have been asked if I would change my mind if it were my sister or daughter and I said a firm no. It would hurt deeply yes, I may say something to the one I have caught cheating depending on the level of relationship but I will not go telling the gory details to the wronged party.


It is usually a no win situation. Would I want to be told where it me? The answer still is no. That said, l am not averse to engineering the situation of discovery in a neutral manner perhaps from a neutral party if l thought it would serve any purpose, usually it doesn’t.
I watch the programme cheaters on Reality TV channel on DSTV where this private investigator is hired to follow around a person whose partner suspects is cheating until enough evidence is gathered against such. Then the big confrontation occurs where there is much cursing, punching and tears. I have always felt that the ugliest part of the equation is the private investigator that stands in-between throwing more fuel into the fire with his accusations all in an effort to generate greater anger and TV rating. In eight out of ten of these cases you find that the couple stay together and attempt to patch it up. Imagine if the investigator was not hired and paid, if it was a friend, automatically that friendship is damaged often without repair.
I have watched friends discover real, monstrous sexual betrayals and gone on to forgive the man and continue the relationship even when it is the other party in the relationship that does a confessional. In one such case I asked my friend how she could forgive such a betrayal and she told me how the man wept in regret and begged for forgiveness, imagine if one was the “reporter” in such a situation?


As concerns my friend with the lecherous husband, she is remarried now and admits that deep down she knew the man was no good but at that point in her life she had convinced herself that he was what she needed and would no doubt have willingly sacrificed our relationship to keep that marriage even though she would know I was telling the truth. She had to go through the process of discovering herself and realizing that he was not necessary for her to actualize herself to be able to move on. In the end as it usually is, it is not about the particular acts of infidelity but about individual need, which have nothing to do with the fact of a single act of infidelity. I may be wrong but I‘d rather not be proved right.

6 comments:

Olajide Balogun said...

Yeah right......Say No Evil really. I am really on your side of the fence. If Jide was in your shoes, I go down on my knees and really pray for this man. You sure have it that it ain't just you he's approaching.....You can do your friend a whole lot of good by praying for her. No other way out.

adaorah said...

I totally agree with you on this Say No Evil principle.you see my experiences have taught me not to "drink panadol for another person headache" I remember one instance i was left with a black eye and sracthes cos a girlfriend i told about her bobo's numerous others fought me to a standstill and today we aren't friends.

Anonymous said...

Aunty Funmi, haven’t been in a relationship where I was cheated on and knowing how much the pain and distressed it caused me I don’t believe its fair and accurate to say that all people been cheated on know that the other party is betraying them. Yes, some people do act ignorant and turn their eyes away because of their desire to be in a relationship or wateva else reason known only to them but I would say a large number honesty have no idea that their partner is betraying them. Having said that! I do understand your thoughts on not wanting to be a home breaker but I believe depending on your level of loyalty to that person you owe it to them not to allow their partner to continue to pull the wool over their eyes. When you inform someone of a cheating mate you are NOT telling them how to deal with the situation you are simply providing FACT “please note HEAR SAY is not considered EVIDENCE in a court of law” and it is now up to that informed party to deal with the information received in a way they seem fit. If they decide to stay and make the relationship work or turn a blind eye to it then its on them but at least you did not in your attempt to consciously ignore the situation assist in helping break your friend or loved ones heart and maybe even ruin their lives. To ignore a situation is to partake in it…

Anonymous said...

Aunty Funmi, haven’t been in a relationship where I was cheated on and knowing how much the pain and distressed it caused me I don’t believe its fair and accurate to say that all people been cheated on know that the other party is betraying them. Yes, some people do act ignorant and turn their eyes away because of their desire to be in a relationship or wateva else reason known only to them but I would say a large number honesty have no idea that their partner is betraying them. Having said that! I do understand your thoughts on not wanting to be a home breaker but I believe depending on your level of loyalty to that person you owe it to them not to allow their partner to continue to pull the wool over their eyes. When you inform someone of a cheating mate you are NOT telling them how to deal with the situation you are simply providing FACT “please note HEAR SAY is not considered EVIDENCE in a court of law” and it is now up to that informed party to deal with the information received in a way they seem fit. If they decide to stay and make the relationship work or turn a blind eye to it then its on them but at least you did not in your attempt to consciously ignore the situation assist in helping break your friend or loved ones heart and maybe even ruin their lives. To ignore a situation is to partake in it…

Anonymous said...

I am the flag bearer of "Say No Evil".I have been in your shoes Funmi about three times when my friends boyfriends were cheating on them and i knew about it and some of the boyfriends knew that i aware of what they were doing.To be truthful you really should tell a friend that her partner is cheating if you are very sure as one comment on your blog read "To ignore a situation is to partake in it",but then what happens when the couple resolve the problem?You naturally will become the enemy,'homebreaker'.As for me and my mouth we will keep silent o.

Gbemi's Piece said...

I never quite understood the Say No Evil point of view until now. My MO would be to only tell girlfriends I am sure would want to know and wouldn't hold the failure of their spouse or partner against me. On my part, I would ALWAYS want to know. I am also surprised that you say that you wouldn't want to know if someone was cheating on you. Why not? Ignorant isn't bliss. You should want to know.