About Me

My Photo
Funmi Iyanda
Lagos, Nigeria
Funmi Iyanda is a multi award-winning producer and broadcast journalist. She is the CEO of Ignite Media and Executive Director of Creation Television
View my complete profile
Powered by Blogger.

TWF Videos

Monday, June 11, 2007

Dialogue of heavenly bodies

:::This is from my archives, written for PM News and Tempo seven years
ago after a controversial match between Nigeria and Cameroon in

It is the best of times and the worst of times; two angels are in the living room in heaven watching television. They are arguing and shouting. Then a rumble comes from the throne room.

God: Will you two cut out that racket!
Gabriel: Sorry sir! There is actually something very exciting going on in the problematic continent that may require your attention. Perhaps you should come and watch.

God: What is it? Another war? A coup? Or is it one of the Nigeria's Senators hyperventilating again? Cannot one create and then rest?
Fate: No sir, nothing like that, it's actually a football match between Nigeria and Cameroon.

God: Well then that is good; it will keep them out of trouble.
Gabriel: Oh my, oh my sir, that may not be strictly true for if Nigeria were to lose before this kind of crowd I see before me, I fear a civil war and as you know Lord, most of the clean up angles are engaged in Chechnya (that would be Iraq and Sudan today). We cannot afford such a catastrophe. Besides, that mad soul who is always screaming from the other side so much so the other demons are having trouble controlling him, you know, the dark goggled one that fate dragged off that land sometime ago will have cause to laugh.

Fate: Oh look father! They both pray to you, the Nigerians pray longer and all the spectators join the Nigerians to pray to you. Who shall you support?
God, E tu Fate, I suspect you have fallen behind on your bible review, go and read Matthew 6:5-6. Besides, I have no interest in football, l much prefer Tennis, didnt that designer angel, what's his name again do a good job with sharapova and the Williams girls? Besides I’ve got more important things to worry about, those white ones are cloning each other, altering their genes and getting set to mess up my work. Got to straighten things out. You, fate, deal with the match; after all, you are familiar with Nigeria.

Gabriel: Wonderful! The Cameroonians almost scored that third goal, what a disaster. These rough Cameroonians make the skilful Nigerians look almost ordinary, my, my, I foresee trouble.

Fate: Easy my boy, all will be well. I kind of like the Cameroonians. They are not rough but fit and strong. Any slight tackle from such is bound to look bad. What fine figures of athletism they are. Look at those tight butts!
(I hope you know that fate is a girl angel. Her fits of erratum are due to hormonal changes occasioned by PMS).

Gabriel: You and your mouth…oh look! Nigeria has scored and at the right time too, just before the end of this half! Wow!

Thirty minutes later…

Fate: Where have you been?
Gabriel: I went close up to hear what the prayer of the Nigerians was to begin the second half, there was problem with the NITEL line from them, it kept saying that the number was not obtainable so I had to go down.

Fate: wonderful! Did you see that goal! That surely is the goal of the championship. The player knows it too, look at him, the one they call Okocha, I have never seen him like that. He seems to be saying, not here, not on this soil, damn! This bloody line, I can't hear him well! Gabriel: The officiating is a bit faulty won't you agree? Look at that foul! Fate: I have told you. All will be well. Look, they are going into extra time.

Gabriel: Do something, fate, can't you see they are both exhausted?
Fate: Yes, but the Cameroonians still have power and the Nigerians have the spirit, they dare not lose here, what a match! Please don't pester me to intervene; I came here to enjoy a good game just like you.

Full and extra time later..

Gabriel: It is over. Now they have to take penalties, this is not good. It is not a good measure of who is superior. Look, that heart case boy of a couple of years ago does not want to take that kick, why are they compelling him to. He is not in the right frame of mind…oh God! (Sorry Sir thats Gabriel looking in the direction of the rumble)
He's lost it. Oh my, oh my.
Fate: (screams) Who did that? Who made that boy put his hands on his head? The ball crossed the line, who did that? Now the referee will uphold that it is not a goal because he is not sure himself. I said who did that? (remember the controversy of whether Victor Ikpeba's goal crossed the line before bouncing back and the decider being his own apparent admission of failure by putting both hands on his head)

An angel walks in with a sheepish look on his face.

Fate: You! Why did you do that?
Luck: The Nigerians played like champions but the Cameroonians deserved their victory. They had the spirit, the might and they prepared for this championship thoroughly. This is their time. For the Eagles, this is the limit of talent; for once, I choose to be fair. No victor no vanquished, just a stroke of me.

All nod silently and change channels to watch more interesting things
on the Jerry Springer show.


My 2 cents said...

I bow in respect funmi, permit to say you are one of the only females I find genuinely intellectual and captivating in Naija. Do you mama and might I add that you look uber fab, nice post as alwasy and stop by sometime...

twinstaiye said...

You brought back that memory again. Yeah, it was a bit of luck, even though CAF later declare that the Ikpeba goal was indeed a good goal.

paladine said...

That's a funny one.Thanks for sharing.

catwalq said...

Interesting celestial living room. What did God have for lunch that day?

Have u heard about the blog idol thing? U need to get in on it, it is so much fun. I am not singing though, only voting

BlogVille Idols said...


~Mimi~ said...

Lol. Nice One. You have a lot of talent and you're creative. To have thought of that scenario :) I like!!

bolaji said...

I kno you have mentioned it before on one of the showa that maybe God is also not aware of the result of football matches like us. Guess its more entertaining to him like thtat.

Very humorous piece, o tun quote Bible passage, U go Girl!!

Tosin said...

Wow thats was an interesting, You always deliver good readings.

Toni Payne said...

off topic but I wanted to remind you about the chain of hope project info you were going to send. :) Hope ur day went well.

boorish male said...

I must say that was very interesting. I was a student in Europe when that final took place, the entire Nigerian student community gathered at a bar to watch that match. There were flags, faces painted green and white and the bar tender's family all wore our national colours (honorary Nigerians they called themselves.

All for what? Tears, agony and sleepless nights. :-(

Funmi Iyanda said...

@ my 2 cents, its a date ;-)

@ toni payne, we are on it toni and what l think l,ll do is start including you in our group email conversations so we can pool our collective mental resources into tightening the concept and strategies

@boorish male, l know what you mean man! l was at the stadium at in France during that disastrous match with Denmark in 1998. The whole of France and the stadium was with us, we had painted our faces worn our green glad rags and were dancing like there was no tommorow only to crawl out of the stadium tail between our legs. Did you hear that our new expensive foreign coach wants to do it from Europe?