Funmi Iyanda

Just got this sent to me, think you'll find it interesting. I come in peace so l will ignore the cringe worthy comments et al and look at this from another perspective. I have often argued that the world will take you, your language, your culture serious when you become relevant mostly economically but also in other ways. Apart from 419, hostage taking and occasional football feat, one way Nigeria has gained international prominence is through religion. Either by the gay opposition and the potentials for breaking the ranks and file of the Anglican Church or the large growing churches Nigerians control worldwide. Now if only we can direct such efforts and creativity into building national economic and civil prosperity, creating an unignorable global market given our population size and its potentials for rapid growth then l swear they will not only sing church hymns in Nigerian languages, ogbono soup will become as cool as sushi in a brave new world.

BTW l wonder if a 9ja babe would be allowed to rock that sort of outfit on stage in a church, hey don’t shoot just asking questions. Thanks Wale Ajadi arakunrinmi omoluabi for sending the video. Ire o.

Its 4.53am at Denver airport, l am sitting on the floor, legs outstretched, typing furiously away. All around me there are snoring people of different nationalities covered in standard issue airport blankets and lying on camp beds, chairs and the floor. We all blur into a mass of unremarkable humanity except that if you look closely, l am wearing diamond studs and Chanel flats. What kind of homeless bag lady wears diamonds and Chanel? Well it's a long story.

2days ago l sat on my bed at 6am and watched the shrimp get ready for school, my standard red hard box travel box is packed and she keeps glancing at it suspiciously but perhaps unwilling to know the truth refrained from asking the obvious question. I did not know if l should say goodbye to her, as l had no idea at that moment if l was going to make the Virgin flight, l had no ticket you see. We both kept our peace and she left for school. I said a quiet prayer and chant and l left for the airport. That was when the drama began, because of the strike and the closure of banks and other personal drama l won’t bother you with, l had not been able to buy a ticket for the ACT II convocation on ethical values driven leadership l was billed to attend in Aspen Colorado.

It so happens that l did get a ticket at the airport that morning and had a good flight on board Virgin (addicted to the brand). I flew with Chris Ngige, Kanu Nwankwo, Asari Dokubo's cousin Princewill, Saheeto and Julius Agwu who insists on French kissing (no tongue) me every time we meet. With such an eclectic collection of travel companions, the conversation on board was illuminating but a story for another day. I spent the night in London and was at the airport by 6.30am for my uneventful flight to New York flight.

I arrived New York at noon and swapped my UK SIM for the American one (l no dey roam) praying that l would still have credit (minutes to Americans and airtime to South Africans) to call a friend who was supposed to have got me a flight to Denver and Aspen. He says l might be able to get on an American Airlines flight to Denver so l dash and caught a train to the right terminal only to be told that l won't make it through security on time. My friend buys another ticket online and l dash between terminals to get a boarding pass only to be told that flight had been cancelled. A few more frantic calls and l get my flight switched to a later one. In all of this my credit runs out and of course this is post 9/11 America so you cant just buy credit anywhere or get a new phone without plenty forms an registration. In London and Lagos, you can buy from the corner shop or traffic. So my benefactor buys some online and texts it to me but l had forgotten how to load it and had no credit to call him back so l am confronted with another annoying American habit. Nobody has the information you need unless you go through some complex officialdom just to credit a bloody phone! Finally did it through customer service. By now, l’d been travelling for 36 hours and was exhausted. Before l left home, l had suffered some weird food allergy and my face is a war zone of spots and acne so l am trying to eat healthy, in America? As l looked around at all the fast food, greasy food, dead food and sweet over processed food on offer l decided to go to the Virgin lounge. Another dash across terminals and l am in this glorified school canteen that is the virgin lounge in New York! It does not bear any resemblance to the virgin clubhouse at Heathrow and is even worse than the one in Lagos. The world weary waitress informs me only the bites are ready at that time and after l had the bland chicken noodle soup and pathetic bread roll which she insist must be called dinner roll (no granary or whole wheat here o) l left and proceeded to a restaurant were l ordered a huge fry up, with carrot cake and cookies, fuck the breakout, l need comfort food and might as well resign myself to the fact that l shall systematically poison my system with bad food whilst here as usual. At 7pm, l dashed across terminals to board my flight only to be told it had been delayed due to bad weather. 3 hours later, they board us and 2 and half hours after that the plane finally took off by which time it was 1am, l had been at that airport for almost 13 hours. There goes my hotel reservation and payment for a hotel in Denver as we arrived at 4am and l slump on the floor with the other weary, stranded and in transit travellers.

That was earlier today. After 48 hours, travelling l finally arrived Aspen at 9am and had only enough time for a quick shower and change of clothes before proceeding to the conference building. The day had been very eventful but that is yet another story. Aspen is a balm to my badly frayed nerves and my suite at the gorgeous Aspen Meadows is fantastic with the huge windows in my bedroom offering an incredible view of the mountains. America may be one of my least favourite places to visit these days what with the paranoia and non-visitor friendly facilities but Aspen soothes my spirits and the intellectual discourse of the next few days will nourish my soul. If only l could do something about the craters on my face, this even as l tuck into my third desert today, a most divine chocolate mousse.

I am not an Arsenal supporter and l confess part of it is just bloody mindedness and non-conformity because supporting arsenal in Nigeria is as pedestrian as weekend a Ankara sokoto and buba on open toed sandals combo to visit the mother-in-law. It's a new money, young family, little bit on the side, Pentecostal church going, middle class social wanna be thing to do. Arsenal fans in Nigeria can be so anal (yeah go on shoot me) so l support Chelsea because l find the drama of dubious Abramovich, arrogant Mourinho, scandalous player buying and take no prisoner winning strategy refreshingly anarchic and irreverent. I am rational enough to see the blatant intellectual laziness in the many generalizations contained in the sentences above but suck it, football supporting is not about reason. That said, l felt the pain of the gunners this weekend after Thierry Henry decided to end his 8-year run at Highbury and go on to the sun of Madrid. I admire and fancy (as hell) Thierry Henry not just because he is such a great player (got great abs and butt too) but because of his focus, discipline, devotion to the game, his family and his club and most of all his no nonsense approach to dealing with issues of fame, masculinity and racism. It is my belief that if Henry was wearing the slippers and Ankara combo to visit his mum in law at the weekend it will be because it felt comfortable on his skin not because he wants to conform or present an image that is far from the person he is. Who knows what his time in Barcelona will turn out to be like or how the rest of his career will go but to me Henry is the true golden balls, nay platinum balls baby! One of my fav Thierry interviews is in this month's edition of GQ but l cannot seem to find the link anywhere.


In all the talk about replacement for Thierry at Highbury, Nigeria's Obafemi Martins' name has featured prominently, of course it is no longer breaking news that he had a run in with armed robbers in Lagos last week and that the Nigerian police through the Lagos police PR officer Bode Ojajuni is contesting his claims. I find Ojajuni very interesting, in the numerous interviews l have had with him in the past l could never quite decide if the joke is on me and the viewers or if the man operates on his own unique planet.
Here is a sample.

The streets are empty save the odd cars and busses, the boys are on the road either playing football or selling fuel, the girls? Who cares what happens to girls, hopefully they are cooking and cleaning at home, and no doubt a fair number will be “servicing” past and present beneficiaries of the systematic breakdown of our structures.

Yesterday was the to be or not to be cliff hanger day as other unions backed out of the strike declaring satisfaction with the concessions made by government. The NLC held out for a reversal to the old pump price so it is that the strike is back on.
Why president Yar'Adua (already nicknamed GO SLOW UMORU for his lack of swiftness and dynamism in his first few weeks) would choose the puerile strategy introduced by Babangida and perfected by Obasanjo is confusing to me. Granted he didn’t effect the increase but surely this is a brilliant opportunity to not only legitimize his government but also win over new allies and the Nigerian people. None of that annoying babanomics that claims to seek to increase our national bank balance at the expense of our well-being. How long are we going to continue the rounds of hike, strike, and reduce? We must not only hold out for reversal of the odious increase but we must insist on a criminal investigation into what has happened to the billions sunk into energy and power reforms in the past decade and a half and the initiation of progressive innovative economic strategies for the overhaul, repair and growth of that sector. Why must we listen to the cross section of buffoons (to be nice) and shylock businessmen of the “squeeze the people to death” economics?
President Yar'Adua must make up his mind about the ends he wants to achieve (hopefully one that best serves the Nigerian people) in the energy and power sector and fire anyone who tells him that end is impossible, especially if such (as will most likely be the case) have been a part of this long running soap opera of “just charge them more” school of “innovative” thinking.

Was it not acceptable “knowledge” that it was impossible to produce antiretroviral at less than a particular price a decade ago? What happened when Brazil decided that she was going to offer them to every Brazilian who needed them for a token or free? They found the innovative, progressive minds to produce generics in Brazil and the courageous strategy (exploiting a favourable clause) to break the international patent. The result saved millions of Brazilians and changed the world in that sphere for not only did India follow suit, the huge profiteering pharmaceuticals had to crash their prices. I know the politics are different for health and oil and thus more viscerally deadly but it is possible to develop sound economic, energy and power policies that are humane, self-sustaining, locally functional and globally competitive. It only requires a courageous visionary who will find the brilliant minds (oft not to be found amongst jobbers, self promoters, praise singers, cronies, cohorts and concubines) with the commitment and human (certainly not religious) values to deliver the strategies, systems and methods. Question; will Yar'Adua turn out to be such a visionary? We have as long as the strike lasts to answer that question.

Its 5a.m and I’m wide awake on my bed listening to the prayer calls from my neighbourhood mosque, my mind is troubled as l contemplated the difficulties that will arise from the proposed Fuel/VAT hike strike, OBJ's parting back handed slap to Nigerians, something very much in his nature as he was arguably the first Head of State to approve a fuel hike. As at last night, the streets and filling stations had emptied, the lords of fuel (Olu epo) were out doing brisk business and traders and transporters had affected an upward price review. I get up to read the news online to the distant calming chant from the mosque and l heaved a huge sigh of relief. The strike is off, the government wisely negotiated with labour unions and civil societies. The battle is won, but the war is on. The war is the complete overhaul and reform of the very corrupt and inefficient Nigerian energy sector. In the meantime, in true Babangida time honoured tradition, what goes up always goes up. We will still have to bear a 5-naira increase, which might of course have been the original intention.



Calmer now, l moved on to other news and my temporary ease quickly dissipates. I read a story with a familiar pattern. Nigerian ex international Godwin Okpara jailed for rape in France. I was going to quickly move on thinking the victim to be some unwitting young white female unaware of our "no means yes, man wants, man is stronger, no one to stop him, no one is looking (except of course at Oshodi, during riots and armed robbery), man takes" mode of accepted social sexual behaviour. Not that it makes it better if it is a white girl, its just that the possibility of justice is much higher in those countries no matter what the "she was gagging for it" school of morons promotes. It was with a sense of distaste that l read that the female concerned was a 13-year-old imported servant (otherwise called house help) from Nigeria whom he had repeatedly raped in his garage. In his defence the ex footballer claimed that the sex was consentual. With a 13 year old, most likely poor and illiterate child employee whom he claimed to have adopted! The man must be mad! Even madder is the wanton ranting of an alleged friend of Okpara who posted a demented defence claiming that Okpara's wife is the witch responsible for his troubles and confirming that yes the rape was known to the player's wife and perpetuated by other males in the family too.
The true madness however is that such stories are so rampant in Nigeria it is almost an expected norm, why else do you think Nollywood is so compelling? Those stories, seemingly grotesque and so crassly told usually carry a pearl of truth that is familiar to the millions of Nigerians who watch it and it provides morbid fascination for others. I interviewed a young nurse for a nanny position yesterday and on enquiry as to why she isn't working as a nurse, she revealed that she was tired of the constant sexual harassment and near rape by doctors on night duty with her. From her countenance l suspect she has probably been raped in such a situation but God forbid she tells, and face ridicule, stigma and further abuse, at best she'll get pity, certainly she wont get justice as l have never heard of a case of a man convicted for the rape of an adult female or male. Even the few convicted of raping a child usually only get a slap on the hand judgement. At least the trafficked child in Okpara's case got justice.

No longer at ease, l read another story with a painfully familiar pattern, there was yet another collapsed building in Lagos with usual fatalities.Usually, nothing less than 100 dead is any cause for undue concern, l swear a public officer took offence on the show when l insisted that that fatality figures at one such disaster was more than he would admit. You people like to exaggerate, only about 150 people died he said. This latest collapse came one day after one collapsed in the same neighbourhood, which is one month after one collapsed in a Lagos suburb and that was 3 months after… the list is endless. I have done at least 5 shows in the past 2 years on collapsed buildings in Lagos. The station only agrees to air the shows when the death toll is horrendous especially if you cannot point a direct finger of indictment at the federal government, they don't care so much about propaganda and censorship for the Lagos government, that is LTV's responsibility. Personally l think one death is one too many and l fear this is going to follow the same pattern; there will be official huffing and puffing but the concrete of corruption, disregard of laws and inefficiency of the regulatory bodies at the bottom of such tragedies will not be blow away. What is sure to be blown away is yet another structurally incorrect, over crowded tall building in an area of bad drainage in Lagos.


By now l am a little despondent, then l sight a story on the ongoing Ehingate. The last two IGP have been exposed to be appallingly corrupt, any prizes for guessing why the police is in such tatters and armed robbery is on the rise. I have a moment of bliss as l recalled Hafsat Abiola Costello's comment about China's policy of execution of corrupt public officials as they are considered to be murderers. As the chants from the mosques faded in rhythm with the rise of the sun, it dawned (wink) on me that there is a ray of hope in the fact that they have been indicted in the first place. and if this was done across board then Insha Allah, we will be on course. So it was that l returned to Zen like calm and a hopeful spirit ready to face the new day, don't tell me l am being silly (this to that mischievous inner id) don't you know that is with this spirit we survive each day in the city of god? Why the heck can l not get that stupid Jeffery Archer's little story (Clean Sweep Ignatius) on a Nigerian official out of my head? What is it the book title? Yes a twist in the tale, sweet that coming from 'Lord' Archer.

Still on the topic of righting wrongs (yeah I know how that sounds), ANDY UBA IS OUT! Suddenly I am hopeful again.

The past few days have been an emotional blur. On June 12 I was at the town meeting at the Muson centre to mark the 14th anniversary of the rape of democracy in Nigeria. Prior to that fateful day, democracy had been taunted and harassed, post June twelve, her honour taken, she was systematically dehumanized until the 1998 reprieve. Now she walks around in bright new garments her wounds unhealed, her soul damaged even as she is chastised to smile, forget the past and keep moving. This appallingly by some of the active participants and bystanders at her rape and dehumanization. Some of the known casualties of the June 12 struggle where there but by far the most powerfully haunting moment was when three ordinary, young men, one of them with one amputated leg were called on the stage to be recognized. These men had been shot, injured and jailed during the dark days and they stood on that stage representing the thousands who were murdered, maimed or jailed. They also stood there an indictment to a government that had benefited from their sacrifices but had not deem it fit to honour them nor work towards entrenching a society where such sacrifices will no longer be necessary. As l left the event, l drove into one of those notorious Lagos traffic, a friend called that the tri weekly armed robbery operation at Osborne in Ikoyi had started so l calmly tell my driver to turn in the opposite direction.
Time to kill so l go to cactus and order a meal and l began to read THE KITE RUNNER. l only put the book down 3 hours ago. Why l had not read it before now is beyond me for l had heard about it. l followed the story of the young privileged Amir in pre Armageddon (that's what the Afghan long drawn out wars and conflicts are) idyllic through the wars to present day, the skilful, spare and haunting writing drawing me deeper into the taste, colour, culture, contradictions and eventual savagery of a nation gone wrong, the disturbing thing is that so much of the themes are chillingly familiar to me as a Nigerian.



In all of these, my emotional rollercoaster was briefly halted by a phone call from Mrs Betty Irabor, publisher of Genevieve Magazine. She was uncharacteristically flustered and the sum total of what she had to say was Funmi, l have made a terrible mistake, how can l make amends. Why not articulate your deep apologies and circulate it in the media, people will sense the genuiness of your feelings. She said she'll mail me a copy and we signed off. l sat back staring sightlessly into my book.

Here l was mulling over unrighted wrongs from June 12 and the great lengths a man is willing to go to right many wrongs in Kite Runner and l wade into this situation. If there is one thing l know for sure, it is that true bravery lies in the ability to right the wrongs we wittingly or unwittingly commit or even more importantly to right the wrong of others. Thus, Betty Irabor did the right thing to apologize to Yinka and Genevieve readers but most importantly, she faces up to the little and not so little acorns of prejudice in us all that can potentially grow into irokos of unspeakable wrongs.

:::This is from my archives, written for PM News and Tempo seven years
ago after a controversial match between Nigeria and Cameroon in
Lagos.....:::

It is the best of times and the worst of times; two angels are in the living room in heaven watching television. They are arguing and shouting. Then a rumble comes from the throne room.

God: Will you two cut out that racket!
Gabriel: Sorry sir! There is actually something very exciting going on in the problematic continent that may require your attention. Perhaps you should come and watch.

God: What is it? Another war? A coup? Or is it one of the Nigeria's Senators hyperventilating again? Cannot one create and then rest?
Fate: No sir, nothing like that, it's actually a football match between Nigeria and Cameroon.

God: Well then that is good; it will keep them out of trouble.
Gabriel: Oh my, oh my sir, that may not be strictly true for if Nigeria were to lose before this kind of crowd I see before me, I fear a civil war and as you know Lord, most of the clean up angles are engaged in Chechnya (that would be Iraq and Sudan today). We cannot afford such a catastrophe. Besides, that mad soul who is always screaming from the other side so much so the other demons are having trouble controlling him, you know, the dark goggled one that fate dragged off that land sometime ago will have cause to laugh.

Fate: Oh look father! They both pray to you, the Nigerians pray longer and all the spectators join the Nigerians to pray to you. Who shall you support?
God, E tu Fate, I suspect you have fallen behind on your bible review, go and read Matthew 6:5-6. Besides, I have no interest in football, l much prefer Tennis, didnt that designer angel, what's his name again do a good job with sharapova and the Williams girls? Besides I’ve got more important things to worry about, those white ones are cloning each other, altering their genes and getting set to mess up my work. Got to straighten things out. You, fate, deal with the match; after all, you are familiar with Nigeria.

Gabriel: Wonderful! The Cameroonians almost scored that third goal, what a disaster. These rough Cameroonians make the skilful Nigerians look almost ordinary, my, my, I foresee trouble.

Fate: Easy my boy, all will be well. I kind of like the Cameroonians. They are not rough but fit and strong. Any slight tackle from such is bound to look bad. What fine figures of athletism they are. Look at those tight butts!
(I hope you know that fate is a girl angel. Her fits of erratum are due to hormonal changes occasioned by PMS).

Gabriel: You and your mouth…oh look! Nigeria has scored and at the right time too, just before the end of this half! Wow!

Thirty minutes later…

Fate: Where have you been?
Gabriel: I went close up to hear what the prayer of the Nigerians was to begin the second half, there was problem with the NITEL line from them, it kept saying that the number was not obtainable so I had to go down.

Fate: wonderful! Did you see that goal! That surely is the goal of the championship. The player knows it too, look at him, the one they call Okocha, I have never seen him like that. He seems to be saying, not here, not on this soil, damn! This bloody line, I can't hear him well! Gabriel: The officiating is a bit faulty won't you agree? Look at that foul! Fate: I have told you. All will be well. Look, they are going into extra time.

Gabriel: Do something, fate, can't you see they are both exhausted?
Fate: Yes, but the Cameroonians still have power and the Nigerians have the spirit, they dare not lose here, what a match! Please don't pester me to intervene; I came here to enjoy a good game just like you.

Full and extra time later..

Gabriel: It is over. Now they have to take penalties, this is not good. It is not a good measure of who is superior. Look, that heart case boy of a couple of years ago does not want to take that kick, why are they compelling him to. He is not in the right frame of mind…oh God! (Sorry Sir thats Gabriel looking in the direction of the rumble)
He's lost it. Oh my, oh my.
Fate: (screams) Who did that? Who made that boy put his hands on his head? The ball crossed the line, who did that? Now the referee will uphold that it is not a goal because he is not sure himself. I said who did that? (remember the controversy of whether Victor Ikpeba's goal crossed the line before bouncing back and the decider being his own apparent admission of failure by putting both hands on his head)

An angel walks in with a sheepish look on his face.

Fate: You! Why did you do that?
Luck: The Nigerians played like champions but the Cameroonians deserved their victory. They had the spirit, the might and they prepared for this championship thoroughly. This is their time. For the Eagles, this is the limit of talent; for once, I choose to be fair. No victor no vanquished, just a stroke of me.

All nod silently and change channels to watch more interesting things
on the Jerry Springer show.

This sun is shinning so beautifully bright it blindens. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie won the prestigeous Orange Prize for Half of A Yellow Sun last night. I am joyed, l am chocked. Watch out for this girl people, there will be many more great moments linked to that name.
Congratulations babe!

Now get your vocals into this. A singing competition in blogsville? Bright idea from Pink- Satin and Miss Opeke. Even more interesting for me is how we can apply this kind of virtual communality to other areas (l am gleefully rubbing my palms together and lasciviously licking my lips here). Did someone say orange revolution? Easy, down gurl! Lets start with the singing first or at least let others start, can't sing to save my life and have been paid in the past NOT to sing.

This was one of those ongoing numerous congratulatory adverts for Mr. president and any other new person in power. I am speechless.

June 4th. Exactly 11 years ago, Alhaja Kudirat Abiola was assassinated in Lagos, those were the dark darks. In these grey days my mind is on her legacy. Later today, I and her daughter Hafsat Abiola Costello will be leading a delegation of women to the governor of Lagos to
raise certain issues. Hafsat through her organization KIND is interested in getting greater female representation in governance (Nigeria has only 7.5%, less than anywhere else in Africa including Rwanda), l am interested in making Lagos FEMALE FRIENDLY in terms of structure, form and laws.

I have never told her this but my fondness for Hafsat stems from the fact that she is the only one of MKO's numerous children who rose to the leadership, moral and ideological challenge posed by the murder of both her parents. She could have been a totally different person, her own future being assured by accident of birth but her frail bodied, soft spoken, respectful physicality belies a highly intelligent mind,
a steely steadfast unbowable spirit and soul that is deeply aware of her potential role in building a better nation. Unlike my fire spitting gun blazing approach, Hafsat is easy to underestimate and thus more strategically effective. I like her.

What she unconsciously stands for in my mind is that elusive entity that persuades certain people to step out of definite and assured comfort and risk all for a husband, a friend, an ideology, a vision. How did a submissive, affluent, businesswoman, mother of seven, 2nd wife of an entity like MKO ignore tradition, religion, expectations, bribery, intimidation, fear and lack of support within the family to evolve into a fearless fighter so much so that the mightily mad Abacha
had to murder her? How does it happen and can one bottle it and force-feed it to our middle and intellectual class?

All these were going through my mind as Hafsat participated in the female panel on Monday edition of NEW DAWN. In her soft-spoken eloquent way she hit the nail on the issue raised by my last post. In the quest for a better society, should the question be who should lead as against how they will lead. In the entire history of man's
existence, the number of outstanding political leaders worldwide can be counted on the digits at our extremities. One can therefore conclude that exceptional leadership is that, exceptional. The norm therefore is to get anything from mundane and moronic to the completely psychotic. Knowing this, should our constant engagement not be the evolution of an adaptable, self-policing, self sustaining
system of governance where all parts are acutely aware of their roles and defensive of any attempt to usurp such. In plain language, won't our leaders only perform if we make them? Long live the Kudirat spirit.

Horaaaaaaay! Farafina just got sexy. I confess to being one of those creatures (less evolved l know, its my unusually high testosterone levels) that prefer my brains with a good body. I always read Farafina but thought it a bit staid. Enter Lanre Lawal, (new layout and edgier
cover) guest editor Toni Kan (a little anarchy and an unabashed love of women) and Farafina is beautiful, sexy and smart, the brainy gal's got boobs yippee! Just a little more tweaking with the articles (braver, grittier, smarter, truer) and it would be the perfect babe.

Also check out this illustrated book


from same publishers. Hilarious,unsettling, eerily familiar.